When She's Got you and She Knows It: Another personal anecdote

About 10 years ago i had a brief, intense relationship with a brainy, leggy blonde who i’ll call D. We met while out for drinks with co-workers and there was an intense chemistry from the start. We kept running into each other and we seemed to really click. One day at work She was complaining that She was having problems with Her computer at home. Since i had been waiting for a chance like this, i jumped in to volunteer to take a look at it for Her, you know, if She wanted me to. She said it would be great. She gave me Her address and i said i would drop by that evening.

Now i have to admit i was more than a little nervous, well nervous and excited, about this. On the one hand i was irresistibly attracted to this 5’8”, thin blonde with long crinkled hair and oh so blue eyes. As if Her stunning beauty was not intimidating enough She was scary smart. She was a statistician with our company and had both undergraduate and graduate degrees in the subject. She was on the career fast track for sure. The fact She was smarter than me was no secret to either of us. i kept wondering if She was just out of my league and if i was misreading the signals from Her.

At the appointed hour i showed up. She answered the door with Her usual sweet smile and asked me to come in. i did pick up that She seemed a little more nervous than usual but then again so was i.  Setting to work it took me only about 20 minutes to it sort out and i was getting ready to leave when She came over to me and placed Her chin on my shoulder from behind, turned Her head slightly and looked right into my eyes with Her piecing baby blues. “We need to talk” She said. “Ok” was about all i could nervously manage to reply and i took a seat while She stood over me. “look Ethan, I find you incredibly attractive”. i filled with joy and told Her i felt the same. She smiled slyly, took me by the hand, and lead me to the couch in the living room. Without a word we began kissing deeply, She caught me by surprise as She began probing my mouth with Her tongue and feeling the swelling excitement in my pants with her hand, applying firm strokes to the front of my jeans.

After about an hour of this intense activity i was sweating, panting and my brain was on cloud nine. Seeming like She was satisfied that my lust for Her was genuine and intense She decided it was time to establish the terms of our relationship. Of course by “the terms” I mean Her terms. She began by telling me that to be in a relationship with Her i had to be useful to Her, by which She meant able to take care of fixing things and doing boring manual tasks “better suited to boys” as She put it.

She also made it clear in no uncertain terms that She did not abide cheating and if i so much as looked at another Women She would consider that cheating. i tried to question Her meaning and if She could possibly be serious but She looked right into my eyes and insisted this was not up for negotiation. i could accept these terms or leave. Of course i was so revved up at that point i probably would have agreed to anything. She knew this and tried to cut through the cloud of swirling hormones in my mind. “I know you are only saying yes right now because you want me, but I’m totally serious about this, you understand that right?” Again i agreed.

Then She gave me a warning i did not at first fully understand, saying “you know, I date a lot and I change my mind a lot, maybe in a few months I won’t feel the same way about you that I feel now. You’ll have to accept that ok...OK?”

Not really knowing what that meant, only that it soundly vaguely like a threat to dump me if i did not measure up, i agreed.

Satisfied for now we returned to our previous passionate activity and time flew by. At the end of the evening i collected what was left of my mind and made my way home.

What had i gotten myself into i wondered? Could She really be as strict as that? i hadn’t noticed that D was overtly dominant before but She definitely had a confidence about Her to which i responded strongly. Now i was beginning to see that dominant might be closer to the truth. She had weaved a web into which i fell and was only too happy to do so. But now what? She definitely had a way of making me feel both incredibly turned on yet hopelessly insecure at the same time.

One thing D was unbelievably skilled at was teasing me. She could throw a sly, knowing look my way and leave me totally flustered. Walking amongst a group of co-workers to a bar one evening after work She was sure to make us fall behind the group just so She could grab and feel my ass. She would always laugh sweetly when She saw my reactions. She just gave me that look, the one that says you’re mine, i know you’re mine and I can have you anytime I want. It was true but the fact that She knew it so completely gave Her such a sense of power and confidence in Her interactions with me.

Our relationship was totally out of balance. She had me completely in such a state of lust and insecurity that She could exploit and control me without mercy.

And She did just that.

All throughout our relationship one of the greatest problems i was having was the feeling that no matter how hard i tried it was never good enough for Her. my efforts were always made to feel insufficient. Even worse i was made to feel that She never trusted me though i gave Her no reason to ever feel that way.

As one who reads this blog You/you can appreciate that i have no problem accepting the submissive, secondary role in a relationship with a Woman, in fact i consider this natural and right. It was not the inequality that did not work in my relationship with D but the fact that She seemed to demand my lust, my physical labours, my tribute, my time and my energy but upon taking everything from me She proclaimed She wanted something else. She demanded the Sun but upon receipt proclaimed that in fact it was the Moon that She really wanted.

Even that, as much as i struggled with it, did nothing to diminish the aching in my heart for Her, so completely did She own me.

Then one day it was over. Declaring “we need to talk” She told me , gently but directly that She had changed Her mind, as She had warned me could happen. i was dismissed though She insisted She still cared deeply for me.

i was completely devastated.

I did not see Her again for a couple of months. By then She had moved on to Her next victim, well perhaps that’s too harsh, lets say plaything. At a company party I saw them together acting flirtatiously as we once did. That was pretty painful to watch but what was truly devastating was that during a break in Her flirting with him She saw me across the room and She gave me the look! That ‘I know you still want me’ glance, the sly smile and flirting eyes, only this time it was unmistakably a I know how badly you want me but too bad for you look.

Ouch, talk about a knife in my heart. I just could not figure out why? Why did She want to hurt me like that? I was never mean to Her in any way, i gave everything to make Her happy and there was no anger in our parting, hurt yes, but not anger.

I did not get a chance to ask her why that night. I would occasionally run into Her at work but it was always the same pattern. If She was alone She would completely ignore me, like we were strangers. If on the other hand there were other people around She would never pass up a chance to deliver a stinging, flirty glance.

She could shatter my soul in or out of a relationship.

For a whole year we did not speak to each other, just ignoring each other or exchanging the look. Then one evening as I was unlocking my car She approached me from the other side and tried to start up a conversation by asking how I was. What i was, was a bit incredulous. i could not resist asking Her,

“Are you angry with me?”

“No, why do you ask?”

“Well it’s obvious You’re trying to hurt me for some reason”

“Really, How?” a slight smile on Her face

“You know, the way you look at me”

“Well yeah ok”

“Why do You do that?”

“Oh I do that with all the boys. I know you still want me, you all do.Ya know, I just like hurting guys that way, it’s nothing personal, I like hurting you the same way I like hurting all the others, get over it, or not, I don’t care”


She was right, i still wanted Her so badly at that moment but Her answer left me as lost as ever.